Pathetic

(I’m just going to stop apologizing for not having lyrics or quotes or anything here. I’ll put them here when I find some that are relevant. If I don’t, whatever.)

I feel pathetic. 

I’m being pathetic, I’m thinking pathetically, I’m just pathetic.

I’ll be short and sweet about everything. The pathetic-ness is overwhelming.

And because I’m supposed to be writing a paper.

I texted the frat kid, C, today. He never texted back. I really shouldn’t be surprised. I was just so hopeful that some part of this situation would work out. So I’m probably never going to talk to him ever again. Or at least for a long time. It makes me uncomfortable. I’m extremely bummed. I just want to talk to him so badly. And I keep thinking about him and it’s lame because really, it’s been a few weeks, I should let it go. But I can’t shake it. It’s so fucked up. I don’t know how people do it, how they can just brush it off. It just doesn’t work like that for me, but I wish it did.

I’m glad we have a break from school this weekend. I really need to be home. I need to talk to my family face to face. And I need to see my dog. I was looking at pictures of him the other day and I almost cried. And I need to be in my house. I need to go for a walk around the neighborhood by myself. I need to be in my room. I need to eat different food. I just need to be home. At least for a bit.

I keep getting in bad moods because I don’t take my medication. The pills balance out my moods, make the bad things seem less bad. I hate it though. I don’t want my happiness to hinder on a little white pill. I want to be able to be happy on my own, my brain just won’t let me. I feel powerless. But if I don't take them, I get sad/angry/anxious easily, and I get panic attacks. So I'm stuck with it.

-Liz