Bad/Good

(I don’t have any lyrics to put here for this post, my bad.)

I’m actually in a decent mood right now. My head and my heart are finally calming down after a frustrating week full of negative emotions and stress dreams.

I have good and bad to tell. I guess I’ll start with the bad. That’s just what I do. 

This week I’ve been forced to see that everyone has their deeper and darker side (which sounds cliche as fuck, but it’s true). I always seem to forget that people have so many hidden troubles. It’s like that quote: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting their own battles” or something along those lines. 

This past weekend I went on a retreat with my sorority sisters. At first it was all fun and games, but then it got emotional. An activity that we did involved us sharing our past or present struggles (if we wanted to). We all sat in a circle for two hours, sharing our most personal stories with people that we had mostly met about 4 weeks ago. It was deeply intense and there were many boxes of Kleenex being passed around. 

Emotional things like that always make me recall memories that I try every day to keep buried in my mind. And once they’re out they drag me down for days. And right now I’m desperate to get them out of my head for a bit.

When I was lying in bed that night after the activity, I couldn’t sleep because of all of the memories that kept replaying in my head. They scare me, to be honest.  

I was thinking about when I was in 8th grade and I was legitimately scared to go to english class because every day I was verbally harassed by the kid next to me.  

I was thinking about when I told my sophomore year boyfriend, M, that I loved him when I really didn’t, and then when I eventually had to tell him the truth. How hurt he was. 

I was thinking about when I first turned to thumbtacks for relief from whatever had gone badly that day.

I was thinking about that picture that M sent me, showing me what my sadness had made him do to himself.

I was thinking about how we would both go to bed scared because of not knowing if the other would be alive the next morning.

I was thinking about all of the panic attacks I would have and how they would wipe me out for the rest of the day. They were always about stupid things, too: people talking loudly, someone’s muscle twitching, not being able to put my hamster’s cage together properly.  

I was thinking about how it felt when M and I broke up, and about how it felt when a week later he was some girl’s date to the next school dance. And how it felt weeks later when their relationship lasted longer than ours.

I was thinking about how I had to wear long sleeves for weeks at a time.

I was thinking about how out of hand everything had become.

I was thinking about the night I decided that I was done dealing with everything. 

I was thinking about everything I had written in that letter.

I was thinking about the way my mom would look at me for the next few weeks.

I was thinking about when they said I had to go to a hospital and stay there until I was better. And how I cried and screamed and promised them that I would get better, as long as I didn’t have to leave.

I’m fine now, though. I’ve gotten better help and I feel more in control. I’ve changed a lot since then. 

But it’s just hard when all of these emotions come up again because of hearing other people’s stories. 

And I feel better now. I feel better now that I put this down.

Yay blog.

Now for the good!

I was thinking today about being at school and being away from my family and everything.

And that’s when it hit me.

At home, I usually take time and shut myself in my room so that I can have some down time; time away from everyone. 

But today when I was sitting in the room alone, I was surprisingly lonely. I always appreciated the quiet time to myself, but at school it’s different. I actually feel calmer when someone else is in the room too. Just that constant company makes me feel better. Like right now, H is on the futon doing homework. I’d feel uneasy if it was just me in here.  

Today I saw A on the quad and couldn’t help but smile. When I saw K in the hall yesterday, I couldn’t help but smile. When S2 came back today, I couldn’t help but smile. And tonight when I came back from my class that I hate, I opened the door and saw H and S sitting on the futon, and I couldn’t help but smile. I was instantly happy when I saw all of them.

Because they’re like my new little family.

They’re the familiar faces I look for, they’re the ones who want to help, they’re the ones that are always there.

And I love that. It makes me smile.

-Liz